Here I Go
by The Sun Sees Not
Summary: Kakashi and Iruka are unsettled at their relationship. They’re living together as friends, trying to be more, but with their uncertain lives, it never does. Trying to find help in a bar, Kakashi makes a huge mistake, crushing the one who matters most.
1. The Mistake

Naruto does not belong to me (however I SO wish it did).

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"I'm going out," he muttered, exiting the apartment before his friend could respond.

"You always do, Kakashi," Iruka muttered, shaking his head slightly, continuing to stare at his folded hands placed in his lap. It's been this way for a while, they'd come home from their jobs, they would eat, they would sit in silence, then Kakashi would 'go out'. Iruka never asked him where he went, but trusted people generally, so he figured he could give Kakashi the same courtesy. Iruka cared so much for him, more than friends, and these feelings have been expressed, but whenever Iruka tried to be bold, Kakashi would shrug it out. "Am I being used?" Iruka asked himself, quickly throwing away the idea while rising from the couch to go to sleep.

----

"To Konoha!" Genma shouted, raising his glass.

"Konoha," Kakashi slightly raised his drink before swallowing it in one gulp.

"Come on, Kakashi, loosen up. I've been your friend for…well, I'm too drunk to count, but we've been friends for a while and I think you need to cheer up," Genma added, eyeing his friend.

Kakashi nodded.

"I know that, what's wrong?" Genma pursued his curiosity, turning to face the fellow ninja.

"There's this… _girl_," Kakashi started, emphasizing the word.

"…And?" Genma continued.

"We like each other…at least I think so. But I think whatever feelings we have for each other have been buried," Kakashi shook his head softly.

"Maybe you're growing apart or something," Genma shrugged, "If the love ain't there, then what kind of relationship is that?"

"Maybe you're right," Kakashi's voice softened, his gaze turning to the bar counter. The next few hours consisted of incessant drinking until Kakashi was tired enough to go home.

--

Kakashi unlocked the door and entered the apartment to no longer see Iruka waiting on the couch. He shrugged, knowing that this would happen. "Iruka…" Kakashi breathed out, "We need to talk." He felt his whole body shutter.

Iruka's instincts had him pay attention to all noise and Kakashi's voice was no exception. Frowning, the dolphin slowly rose from the bed, stumbling out into the kitchen to find Kakashi perched upon a bench.

"What's on your mind, Kakashi?" Iruka asked, stretching himself awake, his eyelids fluttering gently. Kakashi felt his heart break at the sight.

"I-um…nothing," Kakashi smiled under his mask, "I just wanted to say good night. Sorry for waking you."

"Oh," Iruka yawned, slowly leaving the kitched before muttering what sounded like 'good night'.

"God, what's wrong with me?" Kakashi whispered to himself, placing a gloved hand over his eyes in shame. "I can't do this to Iruka after he's been nice enough to let me live here." He slowly stumbled onto the couch, slumping down into a deep, drunken sleep.

And so, it continued, they'd go to work, they'd come home and eat, they'd sit and silence, and then Kakashi would leave. As always, it was a lonely life, but it was accommodating to their busy and unsure lifestyles.

"Kakashi, I'm telling you, you've got to get a girlfriend," Kurenai said, slapping her hand on Kakashi's back.

"Hn?" Kakashi slowly woke from his drunken daydream.

"I must be seeing you at this bar every night for the past, what's it been, four weeks?" she responded, shaking her head, "You seriously need to get a girlfriend."

"I…" Kakashi began, not quite sure how to respond.

"Listen, if you don't have anyone in mind…" Kurenai began, her eyes squinting. It was all a blur in Kakashi's eyes before he storming into his apartment, his lips pressed against hers.

--

Sorry, there was a lot of talking in this one so the paragraphs aren't that long. HOWEVER, the next one will be longer so add this to your favourites or something so then you can be like "OH MY GOSH…she updates fast!"


	2. What's Happening?

Kurenai crushed Kakashi against the wall, breathing heavily against his neck. "Is this what you've been looking for Kakashi?" Kakashi slowly began gaining attentiveness, slowly shaking his head 'no' before a door was opened.

"Kakashi, are you hom-" Iruka was cut off by the sight of Kurenai's hands placed behind Kakashi's head and back. Iruka's eyes widened before stuttering out "Oh I-I'm s-sorry, I'll l-leave." He quickly shut the door before Kakashi dropped Kurenai, chasing after him.

"Iruka, please, it's not what you think," Kakashi spoke softly, knocking on Iruka's door. "Iruka…IRUKA!" He continued to pound the door harder before giving up, returning to the living room. "I think it's time for you to leave," Kakashi mumbled out, refusing to look her directly in the eyes.

"Yeah…I think so. Listen, I didn't mean to start anything between you and Iru-"

"Just leave." Kakashi cut her off, returning to Iruka's bedroom door. A slight slam was heard before complete silence took over.

"…Is she gone?" a muffled voice came from behind the door.

"Yeah," Kakashi breathed out, relieved. The door opened, to Kakashi's surprise, to reveal an unidentifiable Iruka. His eyes were black and harsh.

"I'm sorry for whatever made you lead to that- I think we need to talk." Iruka rushed out, leading Kakashi to the living room. "Now…I'm trying to stay calm through this…"

"Please, Iruka, let me explain," Kakashi slurred out, his hands reaching forward. Iruka stepped back, shaking his head.

"No, Kakashi, please, just listen to me truthfully for _once_ in the past six months!" Iruka's voice slowly raised, his body shaking in anger. "This may seem rash, but it's the best decision, but I would like you to-"

"-Iruka, ple-"

"OUT, KAKASHI!" Iruka blurted out. "I just want you OUT!" His voice strained as his tanned hands clenched into fists.

"You can't mean that…" Kakashi breathed out.

"Yes, I mean it. Get your stuff and LEAVE!" Iruka yelled, pointing towards the door.

"Iruka, just listen to me," Kakashi tried to grab his hands, but Iruka quickly shook them off.

"Get-out-of-my-appartment." Iruka glared at Kakashi with every bit of his being, emphasizing the words, probably ready to attack if provoked.

"I just…" Kakashi began, only to be shot down by another glare of Iruka. Kakashi nodded, went to the bedroom to grab his clothes, and swiftly exited the apartment without making another sound.

A small cry leapt out of Iruka's throat before he completely collapsed where he was standing. "Why did you do this to me, Kakashi?" Iruka breathed out, tucking his face into the carpet, covering up his head with one of the simple pillows from the couch, blocking out the world and all of its cruelties.

--

Kakashi shut the door, and walked down the street in Konoha. He glanced back to the door with a small glimmer of hope that Iruka had wanted him back. It remained closed, probably locked, destroying whatever was left of him there. Kakashi continued walking down the street, becoming muddy from the heavy rain that began falling. '_Just my luck…_' Kakashi thought to himself while trying to dodge the gooey masses of dirt, soon to become mud. He continued walking before he stood in front of the bar where he spent so many of the past useless nights. Half tempted to walk in, he declined, knowing it already ruined the best thing that ever happened to him.

Kakashi paused in his tracks. Truthfully, Iruka _was_ the best thing that happened to him. Not ANBU, or his Sharingan eye, but the person who was there to laugh at his jokes, blush when a scarecrow told a joke, or smiled when he felt lonely. Kakashi slapped his face, the wet fabric stinging while a headache seared from the large amounts of alcohol consumed.

"Hey, Kakashi," Asuma spoke, passing Kakashi.

"Yo." Kakashi spoke softly, pausing for a moment. "Oi, Asuma."

"Yeah?" he asked, turning around.

"I was wondering…can I stay at your place tonight? I kind of got… 'evicted' from my apartment," Kakashi looked at the ground with his uncovered eye.

"Yeah, sure," Asuma replied with a smile, "Hard night?"

"You have no idea…" Kakashi replied, following him, his sandals becoming slightly stuck with each step.

--

Iruka remained in the same place for an immeasurable amount of time. By the time the sun rose again, it was Sunday, so he didn't have to go to the academy today. Quickly deciding he was going to stay home that day, he remained on the floor, his eyes wide in shock, and maybe a little despair.

--

"C'mon Kakashi…wake up." Asuma spoke, shaking Kakashi's shoulder. The sleeping man just waved his hand, turning away from the man.

"Up." Asuma repeated, flipping Kakashi's mattress with him on it. "I expect you to get a shower and be downstairs in an hour…it's already noon."

Kakashi crawled out from under the mattress, frowning at his 'friend' Asuma. "My _real_ friends would let me sleep in on my days off…" Kakashi grumbled, getting a change of clothes to go take a shower. To speak truthfully, he had been up all night, trying to replay what had happened and every word forced out by Iruka. At least, he hoped these were forced words. Over the time they were living together, he supposed he _had_ begun to use him. He hadn't tried to, but it just became so easy for him to abuse the people he cares about the most. He was loyal up to that night to whatever relationship there was, even if it was only in Kakashi's own thoughts.

"Maybe I need to think about how much I did care about him…" Kakashi spoke to himself before rubbing shampoo into his grey hair. "I can't let my feelings get away with me…" However, he knew every bit of the words were a lie.


	3. Lost in Sense and Sanity

Updating – How wonderful! Sorry it took such a long time.

--

"So, you two liked each other, but you blew him off?" Asuma laid comfortably on his couch, inhaling his cigarette deeply. Kakashi nodded softly in shame. "Well, you're one of the most talented ninjas I've ever met, but when it comes to social acts or relationships, well…you're a Neanderthal!" Asuma barked out what was supposed to be a laugh, but sounded more like he was choking on his cancer stick.

"Don't need to tell me," Kakashi replied, shaking his head, his damp hair weighing heavily on his already zombie-like body. "So, what do I do?"

Asuma shrugged, "What do you think? Win him back," Asuma smiled brightly, "because you sure aren't staying here anymore!" He laughed heavily before leaving the room.

"-Hey!" Kakashi began, thrusting his head up, but Asuma had already left, probably enjoying Kakashi's misery. The more he thought about it, the angrier the copy nin had become. "How DARE he talk to me like that. I'm a man, I can talk like I want!" he shouted in his head, his hands flying everywhere. "But the look on his face…" he stopped his pacing suddenly for a brief moment of regret, quickly joined by another fit of anger, "The mere thought of him controlling me like that – I- UGH1" He threw his hands down to his sides and marched out of the apartment.

Due to Kakashi's quick, excited, and angered walk, he found himself quickly at Iruka's door, head held up to knock. His hand shivered slightly before he gained the strength to begin pounding on the door.

"Who is it?" A tired and worn voice came from behind the door.

"Open up!" Kakashi yelled, beating on the door again. He suddenly became surprised at his anger. He never felt so flustered in his life!

"Kakashi-sensei?" Iruka replied, his voice changing.

"No! It's the faerie godmother – JUST OPEN UP!" Kakashi stomped his foot, continuing the anger.

"I kicked you out, go away!" The returning voice was also becoming angry, and when Kakashi was in a fit of rage, he believed no one DARE even be angry too!

"If you don't open this door this second, I'm breaking it down!" No response. Kakashi thrusted his side against the door and it broke away with ease.

"HEY, you broke my door!" Iruka shouted, stomping up to the unwelcome guest.

"It's not like you didn't deserv- Hey, wait, I need to talk to you!" Kakashi pointed his finger forward, trying to put on his scariest ANBU glare. He quickly felt weakened by the scarier teacher's response.

Iruka's glare could've drilled through concrete before he turned and replied softly "I have nothing to say to you."

"Yeah, well this isn't over!" Kakashi grabbed Iruka's arm, turning him around.

"Let go you stubborn-" Iruka began, quickly cut off.

"That's right, I am stubborn, but I came to find out why I've been so angry!" Kakashi replied, his voice increasing. He quickly thrusted his hands down and looked at them. "I-it's just; ever since I left…I've been so confused, about EVERYTHING!"

Iruka's eyes softened only to be quickly destroyed by the returning glare, "You have no idea what anger is."

"Go ahead," Kakashi replied, looking directly into Iruka's eyes, not with anger, not with fear, but with a sheer truth and understanding.

"What?" Iruka asked, caught off guard.

"Go ahead! Do it! Break me down! Kill me with your words, but just do something! Make some sense out of something!" Kakashi replied, grabbing Iruka's arm and bringing their faces inches apart.

"I-I" Iruka stuttered, looking down, unprepared. Kakashi quickly dropped his arm and lowered his gaze to the floor.

"I guess you can't either?" Kakashi's anger swiftly left, replaced by something of a much depressing nature, before he stormed out of the apartment.


End file.
